“MARRIED FOR GOOD”

A Sermon Based Upon Matthew 19: 1-9,  NRSV

By Rev. Dr. Charles J. Tomlin, DMin.  

Flat Rock-Zion Baptist Partnership

Pentecost +21,   October 25th, 2015

Today, we come to the final message in this fall series on marriage.  In this series we have considered some important biblical resources that encourage and enhance healthy marital relationships.  Today we conclude with God’s original intent for marriage---that a marriage should last a lifetime.

Let me start out by saying; “I’ve never meet any couple who intended only to be married for a while.”  Every wedding ceremony I’ve performed and every couple I’ve interviewed for pre-marital counseling, all intended that their marriage would last, and that it would ‘last for a lifetime’.   Still, against such high hopes, current statistics suggest that over half of all marriages will still end up in divorce court.  And unfortunately it is not any better among Christians whose marriages may have even less of a chance due to higher expectations they put upon each other.  

In our text from Matthew’s gospel, we can see that divorce was also a major issue in Jesus’ day.  He too had to confront the divorce problem being asked: “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any cause?” (Matt. 19:3).   As the gospels tell us, this question came from religious leaders who wanted to put Jesus to the ‘test’ (Mk. 10:2; Matt. 19: 3).  They wanted Jesus to take the wrong side in a long standing debate about divorce, either declaring that divorce was always allowable ‘for any cause” (Matthew 19) or by making it allowable only in certain situations (Mark 10).  

Surprisingly, Jesus took neither side, but answered that divorce is not what God had in mind from the very beginning (Gen 2:18ff.).   When Moses allowed for divorce, Jesus says, Moses only did it as a concession, due to the ‘hardness of the human heart’ (Mk, 10:4; Matt. 19:8).   In other words, Jesus wanted his world to know that divorce is never God’s perfect will, but it is a contradiction that calls for forgiveness and redemption.  Flippant and unnecessary ‘bills of divorce’ need to be countered, if not ceased.  This is now made possible in the power of God’s redeeming love and grace.   

As we hear Jesus absolute stand against divorce, we must not hear that God is against people who have gone through marital failure.  No, God is not against people who have unintentionally failed or have had to deal with the unfaithfulness of another.   Jesus is against divorce because it hurts us.   But Jesus does stand against those who treat marriage lightly, unadvisedly or irreverently.  Furthermore, Jesus wants the world to know that God stands ready to fight “the good fight” for their marriage.  It is God’s desire that marriage should be for our good and ‘for good’.   Even when there are moral grounds for ‘divorce’, or when we are in a difficult marriage, God is for us and he will work with us, if we will work with him and if we work with each other to prevent the undesired and negative consequences of separation and a divorce.    

LEAVE: THE PROMISE OF ONENESS

How we work for the good of our marriage goes right back to God’s original plan for marriage.  Quoting Genesis, Jesus says that the goal and purpose of marriage is oneness:  “'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.  So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate." (Matt. 19:5-6 NRS).  Not only does Jesus quote the original plan of “oneness” twice, but by quoting this he takes us symbolically to the image of woman being made from the very “flesh” of the first man.   It is out of one “flesh” they are created and into ‘one flesh’ they are to spiritually and emotionally return.   Thus the question for longevity and duration of a marriage is exactly this:  “How do two very distinct people, who are “opposites” in most every way, leave their very different homes and then promise and practice becoming “one”?

Perhaps you’ve seen this very promise being made between the couple as part of the wedding ceremony which is called the unity candle.  A couple will pick up their separate lighted candles and together light a larger center candle to symbolize their oneness.   Normally, after lighting the unity candle they blow out their individual candles. In one wedding, a pastor told how a couple had decided ahead of time to leave their individual candles burning too.  But as soon as the groom put his burning candle back in the holder and turned around to face the congregation, his blushing bride leaned over and blew his candle out.  Everyone chuckled.   At the reception, someone said: “During the ceremony the two may have become one—but I think during the marriage they’ll discover which one.”

Because we come together as two individuals with many differences, it is not easy to become of one mind, one spirit, or of one flesh.  Certainly, this does not happen in one day, one night, or even after many years, unless we understand what this “oneness” should mean.  And it can mean many different things because we are all different people in who we are and in how we give shape to healthy relationships with and for each other.  But whatever becoming one will mean in our own marriage, it will always begin and always end with making and keeping the promises we make to each other.  There is no “oneness” possible without the promise.  In every enduring, lasting, and healthy relationship, promises must be made and kept so that we not only make the promises, but the promises end up making and keeping us.

The late Christian ethicist Lewis Smedes retells the dialogue in Thornton Wilder’s play about marriage, entitled “By The Skin of Our Teeth”.  George and Maggie got married during wartime, but after the war was over, George comes to her announcing that he’s fallen for another woman.  “I’m leaving…,”  George says, “….but I’ll still provide for you and the children.  In a few years you’ll know this is for the best.”   In response Maggie asks for just a moment to answer:  “George, I want you to know that I didn’t marry you because you were perfect.  I also didn’t marry you because I loved you either.  What I want you to realize is that I married you because gave me a promise. That promise you gave me made up for all your faults. My promise to you made up for all mine.  Two imperfect people got married, but it has been the promise that made the marriage.  And when our children were growing up it was the promise that protected them just like the promise has protected us….Think George, what else kept us alive all these years?  It was the promise! 

George began to realize Maggie was right.  If the promise had kept them alive in their struggles, not to continue living his promise by seeking his own comfort may destroy them both.  George decided to give Maggie back his promise.

When a couple give each other the promise of marriage, they move toward each other.  That is obvious.  But when that same couple continue to make, keep and negotiate their promises to each other, they will continue to move toward each other and toward an even greater quality of oneness.  Marriage experts agree that if a couple will work to find ways to continue moving toward each other through fondness, admiration, understanding and appreciation, marriage can and will work.  But both have to be willing to make and keep their promises.  Both have to make the promise work.

CLEAVE: THE PRACTICE OF ONENESS

This brings us to the second quality of “oneness”.  In the text it not only says that the man and woman leave their homes to become one, but it also says that they should “cling” or “cleave” to each other.  In other words, after making their promise they learn “stick together”.  This is how “oneness” becomes more than a verbal promise, but also becomes an active practice which we put into action in everyday life.

A good example of moving toward each other in the daily “practice” of marriage is made crystal clear in John Gottman’s many years of observing marriages that fail and marriages that succeed.   As I’ve already stated, Gottman makes the claim that in just a few moments, after observing a couple, he can tell you with 90 percent certainty whether or not that marriage will end in divorce.  Interestingly, he says it’s not conflict, nor arguments that make or break marriages, but it’s how couples treat each other during and after the conflict, which displays the durability of their relationship.  Gottman goes on to reveal, in very biblical terms, what he calls the Four Horsemen of a doomed relationship.  If a couple can’t move beyond being constantly critical of each other, if they keep building contempt against the other, if they always become defensive in their confrontations, or if most every argument ends with negative stonewalling, then, unless something drastic changes, the will move away from each other and oneness will be lost (“Why Marriages Succeed or Fail”.  John Gottman, Fireside Press, 1994, pp 13-102).

The alternative to moving away from each other is to keep moving toward each other, keeping our promises even in the midst of a conflict, so that we can resolve “to solve our solvable problems together”.  In order for this to happen, Gottman suggests that we allow our spouse and partner to influence us.   Could this not be exactly what Scripture means when it says that “ a man,”  or a woman too, should “cling” or “cleave” together?  Let me borrow one story Gottman gives us to show what “cleaving” or sticking together means as one spouse allows the other to influence them:   “Jack” was considering buying a used Honda.  The car seemed like a great deal since the seller, Phil, had only owned it a month.  The car was for sale because Phil’s company was suddenly transferring him to London.  Jack liked the car’s handling and power, not to mention the state-of-the-art sound system.  Jack was ready to make a deal, but first, he told Phil, he had wanted a mechanic to check the car.  “Why?” said Phil.  “It’s’ really a new car.  It has only three hundred miles, and you get the manufacturer’s warranty.”

       “True,” said Jack, “but I promised my wife I wouldn’t  buy a car without having it inspected first.”

       Phil gave Jack a withering look.  “you let you wife tell you what to do about cars? He asked.

     “Sure, said Jack.  “Don’t you?”

       “Well, no I don’t—didn’t.   I’m divorced,”  said Phil.

       “Well, Jack chuckled.  “Maybe that’s why.”

Gottman goes on to tell us that Jack had the car checked by his mechanic and it turned out the rear bumper needed to be replaced, so he never bought Phil’s car.  More importantly, Jack never bought Phil’s attitude towards women.  Jack made his wife a partner in his life and decision making.  He respects and honors his wife, her opinion, and feelings.  He understands that for his marriage to thrive, he has to let his wife influence him and share the driver’s seat.  He gets oneness with his wife because he practices oneness in making life’s decisions together (The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work, John Gottman, Crown Publishing, pp 99-100).

WEAVE: THE PROCESS OF BECOMING ONE

When we leave home, and we cleave to each other, we invite God to weave our marriage into a bond that can’t be easily broken.  In fact, Jesus says we are joined together and then we are joined together with God’s help in the very same process.   Becoming one is a spiritual bonding process where we participate with God because our love for each other proves faithful and true.     

In the language of marriage experts, this spiritual, emotional and relational process of ‘bonding’ or weaving into oneness is called “shared meaning”.  This term is the technical way of speaking of how the more we share of our lives so fully, so often, and so long, we can’t bear even the thought life without the other.  As the one becomes the extension of the other, as one becomes the soul of the other, and as one becomes the life of the other,  the sharing of life so intimately, the two become “one” because our marriage is not just what we have joined together, but it is also what God has joined.

Creative Christian author Gary Thomas, has written a fabulous book called Sacred Marriage.  Early in his book he gives us a story about the great spiritual counselor and director of the seventeenth century, Francis de Sales.  In that day people would often correspond with De Sales about various spiritual concerns.  One woman wrote in great distress, torn because she very much wanted to marry, but a friend was encouraging her to remain single, insisting it would be “more holy” for her to care for her father, then to devote herself as celibate to God after her father died.  De Sales put the troubled woman at ease, telling her that, far from being a compromise, marriage might be the toughest ministry she could ever undertake.  “The state of marriage is one that requires more virtue and constancy than any other,” he said.  “It is a perpetual state of mortification….(cross bearing).  From this thyme plant, in spite of the bitter nature of its juice, you may be able to draw and make the honey of a holy life.” 

Commenting on De Sales’ strange reference to marriage as sometimes having “a bitter juice” from which we make “the honey of a holy life”, Thomas asks about what makes marriage sacred. “What if to spiritually benefit from marriage, God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?”   What if, to benefit from marriage, we have to be honest?  We have to look at disappointments, own up to our ugly attitudes, and confront our selfishness. We have to also rid ourselves of the notion that the difficulties of life will disappear only if we pray harder or follow a few simple steps… What if God didn’t design marriage to be easy…(like he didn’t design life to be easy)?  What if the goal God had in mind went beyond our happiness, our comfort, and our desire for the world to be a perfect place?  What if it is only “out of the bitter juice” that we are able “to make the honey of a holy life?”  (Sacred Marriage, Gary Thomas,  Zondervan, 2000, pp 12-13).

You who have been married for a while may agree with me when I say that it not just the good times that bond us together in our marriages, but it is also when we have to drink the ’’bitter juice” of those difficult moments, and still remain true to our promises and to each other, in spite of all our struggles, that we find that the glue of our marriage sticks.  I can only reflect on my own marriage and the struggles of life that have come to us: infertility, adopting a sick child, enduring giving our grandchildren away, and all that else that has happened or is still to come.  But through it all, I know now, more than ever, that my marriage to Teresa has not only made it possible for us to endure the worst together, but our marriage has also made me into a better person than I could have ever dreamed of being without her.    

What can a lasting, healthy marriage do for us?  A marriage can teach us to love, to learn respect, to foster good prayer, and to discipline ourselves.  It can also build our character, teach us to forgive, give us a servant’s heart, give us a divine calling and purpose, and most of all, make us more aware of God’s presence (See Sacred Marriage, Gary Thomas,  Zondervan, 2000, for more details).

A marriage is not for people who are ‘perfect’ for each other, but a lasting marriage is for the people who want to be made perfect by the love they give and receive until “death does us part”.   Marriage is the promise, the practice, and the process of becoming one in the kind of love that reflects the greatest gift God has ever given since that very first moment human life was created “in his image,”  Amen.

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