“What Makes Marriage Christian?”

A Sermon Based Upon Ephesians 4: 1-5:2,  NRSV

By Rev. Dr. Charles J. Tomlin, DMin.  

Flat Rock-Zion Baptist Partnership

Pentecost +18,   September 27th, 2015

Every once in a while I come across the statistic that reveals that people who call themselves Christians are no better at being and remaining married than non-Christians.  In fact, it wasn’t very long ago that it was being said that Christians even had a higher divorce rate than non-Christians.  Part of the reason may have been because they were expecting too much of each other, so that their hearts were broken and they gave up too soon.

While there is certainly something to be learned from such statistics, statistics never tell the whole story.   The part of the story they never can tell is what Jesus spoke about when he told the parable of the ‘Wheat and the Weeds’ (or Wheat and Tares, Matthew 13: 24-30).   In that story a farmer looks out over his crop and sees that the weeds are growing together with the wheat.  He knows that this means trouble, but he’s not exactly sure what to do.  Part of the problem is that he isn’t sure what is a weed and what is wheat.  Even if he does know, he can’t guarantee that the wheat will be saved by removing the weeds.  Sometimes by removing a weed, you can do even more damage to the wheat.  So what’s is this farmer to do?  

Jesus says that a wise farmer, one who will admit that he can’t always tell the difference, so he will let the ‘wheat’ and the ‘weeds’ grow together until the day of harvest.  When that day comes, there will be no doubt.  

The same truth about the kingdom of Heaven might also apply in a marriage.   We might call a wedding or a marriage “Christian”, but that does not always make it one.   Sometimes you can’t tell the difference, but you will only determine what is a Christian marriage by what happens down the road in that marriage, after some time has passed, as the children are being raised, when the couple have come through storms together  that have ‘tested’ and ‘proven’ that their marriage and their faith.

Because going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, just like going into garage doesn’t make you a car, it is important for us who want to have a Christian marriages, to learn what it takes to be “Christian” in our marriages.   Of course, it takes people who are Christians to make a marriage Christian.  What it means to be a Christian is exactly what Paul is talking about in chapter 4 of the Letter to the Ephesians.  Before he comes to his most amazing words about the ‘mystery of marriage’, he reminds us about the ‘mystery’ of Christ---which gives faith (see Eph. 1: 9, 3:3-9).   Like that sign which says rather humorously that the best vitamin for a Christian is “B1”, the best way to make a marriage Christian is to be who we’ve been “called” to be (Eph. 4:1, 4).  But what is this ‘vocation’ we’ve been called into and called to be and ‘walk’ (Eph 1.4)?  Can we summarize it as to how it can apply to having a “Christian” marriage? 

THE UNITY OF THE SPIRIT (4.1-6)

When people come into my office or into my home for marriage counseling, which is a lot less these days, one of the first questions I ask them has to do with ‘what do they want’ to have happen?  Do they want to work on their marriage?  Do they want things to work out?  Will they be willing to do their homework?  Will they be faithful to come to all of the counseling sessions?   If they answer ‘yes’ to this kind of question,  I know we have a chance to work on their relationship.  But of course, the most important thing comes before I make one single request.  Did they both come in together? 

This is what Paul is talking about when he says that among true Christians there is a desire to ‘keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace’.    That’s how you can tell a true Christian from a false one.   Do they want peace?  Do they want unity?  Do they want to come together or do they enjoy coming apart?

In my church in Lenoir, a retired couple came to me asking me whether or not I would counsel with their son and daughter-in-law, about their marriage.   Of course I would, but when the son came, he came alone.  It was impossible to get his wife to come along.  Neither of them were committed to the Church or to their Faith, though the Son was a nice guy and I think he really did want to save his marriage.   But no matter how much I tried to help him see his side of the problem, and no matter how many good changes he made to try to make his marriage better, it never worked.  It never worked because we could never get her to come to the “table”.   We could never get her to ‘want’ to come together to find a way to make the marriage work.

The Christian faith is not a faith for loners and it is not a faith that can be worked out all alone.  Paul makes this clear when he says that the Christian walk is a ‘calling’ which calls us to come together ‘with all lowliness, meekness, longsuffering, forbearing one another in love; endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.’   This is still the difference between true and false Christianity, and it is still makes the difference in making a marriage or any relationship Christian.  Do we want unity?  Do we want to come together?  Do we want the relationship to work?  Do we want to have a ‘bond of peace’ with each other?

A MEASURE OF MATURITY (4.12-24)

The second signal of true Christian faith which serves our marriages is not only to answer a call to ‘unity’, but it is also desire to grow into the ‘full measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ’ (4.13).  It is one thing to want to have something, but it is another to want to become someone; to be willing to learn, to grow, and to desire to be Christ-like in all that we do and all that we are in our marriage to each other.

Of course, to want to be Christ-like in our life and in our marriage means that Christ must be the ‘head’ of our marriage and lives (4:15).  We can only ‘grow up into him in all things’, as Paul says, when we are ‘no more like children, tossed to and fro’ by everything in the world, but we have to ‘learn Christ’ (4.20) which means we have to be ‘taught the truth’ which is Jesus, not be taught truths about Jesus (4.21).  When we ‘learn’ Jesus we ‘put off the old’ person which includes having false desires and lusts (4.22), and we are ‘renewed in the spirit of our mind’ (4.23) to ‘put on the new’ person, who is ‘re-created by God for ‘righteousness and true holiness’ (4.24).  

When you understand what Paul means, you will understand what it means to be growing toward a certain ‘maturity’ of faith in Jesus Christ, which gives you one of the greatest resources for having a Christian marriage---a new you.   In the psychological world people talk a lot about “EQ” verses “IQ”.  IQ stands for your intelligence—how much you know and your ability to use what you know.   “EQ” on the other hand, stands for your “emotional” ability.   This is about your ability to relate to other people in mature and stable ways.   Many people have passed tests and been given degrees and jobs they couldn’t handle, even though they had the intelligence to answer all the questions correctly. 

It’s much the same in being married and staying married, because a ‘getting married’ means a lot more than being able to say “I do” or “I will”.  Being married and staying married means that you are willing to say “I do” based on what you know today and what you know you need to know and do tomorrow.  This is what ‘maturity’ means.   It means growth, change, adjustments, flexibility and responding to each other in ways that you are growing together in Christ and not growing apart or away from Christ.

GRACEFUL WORDS  (4: 25-29)

One of the best ways to make sure that you do not ‘grow’ apart is grow together in your faith in Jesus Christ.   You can only know that you are on the same journey together in Christ when you learn how to ‘talk’ and ‘communicate’ with each other, both when you feel like it, but even more so, when you don’t.   It is even more important to speak “Christian” to each other when it’s difficult.   Not only must we refuse to lie to each other (v.25), but speaking Christians means we speak the ‘truth in love’ (4.15) to each other.   Learning to speak and hear the ‘truth is love’ is how we keep ‘growing together’ in Christ.   As we ‘speak the truth in love’ and refrain from the ‘anger’ and ‘wrath’ (4:26) that leads to the kinds of relational sins that will destroy relationships, are called in a marriage especially, to ‘speak the truth in love’, which also means to be ‘angry’, but to let Christ help us control our anger with each other so that ‘we don’t let the sun go down upon our wrath’. 

One of the greatest things I teach couples in pre-marital counseling is how to ‘fight’.  That might sound strange, but for most people, in order to have a marriage where you grow deeper and stronger in your relationship with each other, you will have conflict.  Those who never have conflict in their marriage are rare, and normally have very shallow relationships with each other.  Those who only have conflict, are also not fighting fair and have yet to grow up so they can move beyond shallow, immature, superficial ways of relating to each other.   Continual fights and unending conflict only prove they are stuck somewhere, maybe even back in the mind of their childhood, so that they have never been able to rightly address a problem in their own mind, so they are unable to solve a problem between them, so they can only relate to each other in ways that make them like children or juveniles. 

What a Christian marriage means is that we want to deal with our past and our present in ways that will help us break-throw the barriers and open new doors of communication and understanding.   I try to teach this to couples before they marry by teaching them how to listen and hear each other talk.   It sounds silly to them at first, but once they get the hang of it, before they blow up in anger at their partner or spouse, I teach them to ‘repeat’ the words they have just heard, so that they both can hear what is being said.   Then, I remind them that you can’t argue with how another person feels whether it is true or not.  

Let me give you an example of ‘speaking the truth in love’, not anger.  My wife may tell me that she feels like I don’t love her because I don’t put up my socks.  My immediately fleshly, unchristian response would to move beyond acknowledging what she is saying, by responding,  “But I do love you, whether I put my socks up or not.”   That may in fact be true, but it is not what she is feeling in this moment.  

There may indeed be other reasons that she or he is feeling a certain way, but you’ll never get to it until you acknowledge what you are feeling, hearing, listening, and ready to try to understand from each other.     What you should say when she or he says that something is wrong, is to first acknowledge and respond with empathy what has been heard.   For example, when she or he says, “You don’t love me because you don’t put up your socks,”  is first of all to acknowledge that you have heard and understood exactly what has been said by saying something like:  “You are saying to me that my not putting up my socks makes you feel as if I don’t love you.”  

It’s hard to listen and to repeat what we don’t want to hear in the first place, but it will begin the whole conversation in a much better way, letting the other person know that you at least admit to hearing and understanding what seems or is so frustrating to them.   All good “Christian” communication begins not only by ‘speaking the truth’ of how we feel, but also being willing ‘acknowledge’ that this is ‘truth’ to the other person, whether or it is ‘true’ or not.  I remind couples that saying what you ‘feel’ should never be opposed or argued against.  Acknowledging how we ‘feel’ is how we feel, whether it ends up being the final or whole truth.  Only by acknowledging what we feel when we are alone, will we ever hope to discover any truth together.

KINDNESS AND FORGIVENESS (30-32)

Of course, Christian communication and conversation must go beyond speaking the truth, because the truth must still be spoken in love.   Speaking the truth in love means that ‘how’ we say things to each other is just as important as ‘what we are saying’.   Furthermore, being Christian in our conversation and in our life together also means that we must stand ready to speak lovingly to each other and to be willing to forgive each other, even before the conversation begins.   We must keep in mind what we want to happen to guide us in how we speak.  Paul puts it this way: “Let not evil talk come out of your mouths, but only what is useful for building up….  Grieve not the Holy Spirit of God….Put away all bitterness, wrath, anger, wrangling and slander, together with all malice…AND be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you.”  (4:29-32). 

Perhaps you’ve heard that old saying that ‘sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you….”.   As children, we often use rhymes like this to try to break the charms and powers of people who were bullying us.  For good reasons, perhaps, we didn’t want to let them see us sweat or show signs of weakness.  That may seem to be a good strategy in the moment, but it doesn’t hold up for the long haul.  In the real world words do hurt.  Those ‘sticks and stones’ that could ‘break our bones’ from a stranger never will hurt as much as the sharp, cutting and biting words from the one who is closest to us.  Although words don’t inflict visible bruises, they do pack and punch and verbal attacks are harder to heal because put scars in our hearts.

This is why Paul says that Christians should not let any kind of destructive, ‘evil speech’ come out of their mouths.  Instead, Paul demands that Christians ‘be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving as Christ forgives.”  But how do we do this when we ourselves are hurting?  How are we able, especially in a marriage where our feelings are so tender and sensitive to each other, refrain from the cruel ‘talk’ that can work like a cancer to destroy our marriages?

LIVING IN LOVE (5:1-2)

Paul’s final word explains that we can only do this when we live ‘in love’, as “Christ loved us and gave himself for us” (5:2).  The only way a person can live in love with another person in every situation is to stand ready to make the daily ‘sacrifice’ of loving the other, even when it hurts or it is hard to love.   This is what God does for us, so ‘be imitators’ of God (5:1), Paul says. 

Of course, Paul qualifies that he is not talking about one person allowing another to walk all over them.   Paul goes on to insist on maintaining a ‘loving’, clean, genuine,  and faith-oriented atmosphere among Christians (5: 3-6).   There are things in a Christian marriage and home that are ‘entirely out of place’ (5:4) or you will find yourself up against the ‘wrath of God’ (5:6) which will fall upon those who are deceptively disobedient to the command to ‘live in love”. 

This is heavy, but good stuff, so let me end with a lighthearted story.  A young woman named Liz was sure her that her boyfriend Martin would make a great husband, especially when she met Martin's parents. "They're so nice to each other," Liz remarked. "It's great how your dad brings your mom coffee in bed every morning."

Eventually, Martin and Liz got married. As they were heading for their honeymoon destination, Liz spoke of the loving home they would have, and mentioned once again Martin's father's habit of bringing his wife coffee in bed each morning. Liz asked jokingly, "And does this trait run in the family?"   "It sure does," answered Martin, "and I take after my mom." Dwayne was entering his third month of marriage when he ran across a bachelor friend of his. "How's married life treating you?" the friend inquired.

"It's the best, man," Dwayne replied. "I think everyone should be married. I'm living a great life. Every day, I come home to a hot meal and a clean house. My slippers are right in front of the easy chair, and dinner is brought to me while I watch television. I'm really getting spoiled. Of course, WE'RE STILL LIVING WITH MY MOTHER."

(Collected Sermons, King Duncan, Dynamic Preaching, 2005, 0-000-0000-20).

“Living in love” with each other means created ‘loving “Christian” climate’ in our own homes and marriages.  It will include saying good, loving words to each other, but it must also go beyond words.  It will mean that we have a unity of Spirit with each other,  that we are growing and maturing together in faith and life, and that we do speak gracefully, tenderly and forgivingly to each other, and when we do misspeak out of pain and hurt, that we ‘do not let the sun go down on our anger.’    That in a nutshell, is Paul’s perspective on what makes a marriage ‘Christian’.  There is of course, more, but for now this is the “Christian” foundation for building a marriage that promotes love and protects life.  Amen.