Dr. Charles J. Tomlin
Flat Rock-Zion Baptist Partnership
April 3, 2011
LUST IS A LOT LIKE THIS YOUNG MAN'S ESCAPADE: people who allow their lives to be filled with lust DO NOT THINK OF THE CONSEQUENCES; lust doesn’t consider WHAT MIGHT LIE AHEAD; lust simply SEEKS THE THRILL of a particular moment.
In order to GUIDE US IN OUR DISCUSSION of this delicate but relevant topic, especially in light of the covenant these youth are making today, I want to draw from 4 Bible passages.
This first story is one the church likes to keep quiet about. IT IS A TRAGIC STORY OF RAPE AND INCEST. While this tragedy may be uncommon to us, the INNER STRUGGLE with Lust in not. We can learn from this tragedy how not to create our own.
How many of you SAW NBC’S DATELINE STORY about a sting which was recently set up to catch sexual predators. By using a computer, Dateline officials PRETENDED TO BE CHILDREN who engaged in INAPPROPRIATE, SUGGESTIVE CONVERSATION with adults on the internet. In the conversations these ADULT MALES WERE LURED to the child’s home. Most alarming was that all kinds of men from all walks of life engaged in the suggestive computer chats and came to the house when invited. SOME of them were UPSTANDING CITIZENS; many of them married, one a high school teacher and the other a police officer. IT WAS A SAD MOMENT to have the camera show a yard full of adult men being nabbed by police in the sting operation. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT so many ADULTS WOULD HAVE SO LITTLE CONTROL over their own passions that they would be willing to destroy what they thought to be the life of a child?
Sadly, THE CULTURE IN WHICH WE LIVE has all kinds of people who are ALLOWING THEIR LIVES AND OTHER LIVES TO BE WRECKED and RUINED BY UNCONTROLLED PASSIONS and lusts. But the story is not new, and the tragedy of uncontrolled human passion is AS OLD AS THE BIBLE ITSELF. That brings us to the OTHER MAIN CHARACTER IN THIS STORY. King David HAD MANY WIVES AND MANY CHILDREN as was the custom 3000 years ago. As was also normal in a royal family, the TWO OLDEST SONS WERE IN A STRUGGLE FOR POWER. BOTH WANTED DAVID'S THRONE, and both would stop at nothing to get what they wanted. AMNON WAS THE ELDEST and therefore the apple of David's eye. His younger, step brother was ABSALOM, who was also Tamar’s brother. ABSALOM HATED AMNON, but dared not risk his father's favor by doing anything against him. THE LUST FOR POWER, the greed and arrogance of Amnon and Absalom EVENTUALLY BROUGHT BOTH OF THEM TO AN EARLY DEATH. I tell all of this as a way TO SET THE STAGE FOR WHAT HAPPENED to Tamar.
Now, our text tells us that Amnon FELL IN LOVE WITH HIS HALF SISTER, TAMAR (2 Sam. 13:1). The Bible says he fell in love, but it was more like he FELL IN LUST for her. Here is the first lesson of this tragic story: MANY OF US CONFUSE LUST WITH LOVE. True love, has little to do with sexual passion. According to the late, Christian psychiatrist M. Scott Peck, in his book The Road Less Traveled, LOVE IS THE COMMITMENT TO YOUR PARTNER'S SPIRITUAL GROWTH. LUST HAS a lot more to do with HORMONES than it has to do with love or respect. Love is about CARING FOR ANOTHER person; but lust is ABOUT WANTING something from that person no matter what.
Several years ago A MOTHER CAME TO ME WITH HER SON and his girl friend. The girl friend was pregnant out of wedlock. He was in school working on his education and they had only known each other for a short time. This mother was insistent. She told me that her son WAS GOING TO DO “RIGHT” BY MARRYING this girl and raising that baby.
While she was talking and I was listening to her desperation, I thought to myself: “I WONDER IF HE REALLY LOVES HER, because I know in my heart that “TWO WRONGS DO NOT MAKE A RIGHT.” You can’t build a marriage on lust or accidents. I knew she meant well and wanted her son to TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for his actions. Of course, I was thinking to myself that it would have been better IF HE HAD TAKEN RESPONSIBILITY A LITTLE EARLIER. I attempted to prevent them from getting married too quickly and to think this over. But the mother was adamant. She DEMANDED AN IMMEDIATE WEDDING. Of course if I didn’t PERFORM THE CEREMONY, then it would appear that I WAS AGAINST the “right” thing. So, I did what she wanted. I preformed the marriage ceremony.
Tragically, ONLY TWO MONTHS AFTERWARDS, the young woman HAD A MISCARRIAGE. Within a few months AFTER THAT, they were divorced. You CAN’T BUILD A MARRIAGE or a life based upon lust. Unless we learn to distinguish between lust and love our LIVES CAN BECOME MORE THAN COMPLICATED, it can BECOME TRAGIC.
Let’s move on. We quickly come to another piece of enlightenment from this story. We read that AMNON WAS SO “IN LUST” with Tamar that he “MADE HIMSELF
Here is another IMPORTANT TEST IN OUR OWN HEARTS to decipher love from lust. When we are so strongly AND OVERWHELMINGLY PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED to someone THAT we can’t seem to have any kind of relationship with that person WITHOUT BEING POSSESSED BY A STRONG PHYSICAL DESIRE OF WHICH we have little ABILITY TO ABSTAIN, THEN we are in dangerous territory.
LUST MAKES ITSELF SICK WANTING ONLY WHAT IT WANTS. Love thinks mostly about WHAT THE OTHER PERSON NEEDS and what is best for that person and what is best for everyone else around them. PEOPLE WHO ARE IN LUST WITH EACH OTHER GET “LOVE SICK”. People who are in love with each other, never LET THE PHYSICAL ATTRACTION GO TO THEIR HEAD or hinder them FROM THEIR DEEPER RELATIONSHIP with others and with God. People in love, don’t get love sick, but their love for each other love MAKES THEM BETTER, MORE FOCUSED PEOPLE, staying on track for life and its everyday demands, and causing them to care more about all of life, not less. The person who gets “lust sick” will find a way to GET WHAT THEY WANT, AT ANYBODY’S EXPENSE: at the expense of the other person, at the expense of society, at the expense of parents and family, and even at the expense of their own witness to God.
And this brings us to THE THIRD PART OF THIS TRAGEDY. You’ve heard of the expression, “where there is a will there is a way.” Well, in this story the way to tragedy is enabled by so-called FRIENDS who will join in with you to help you get what you want in order to gain something else for themselves.
In this story, AMNON HAD A SCOUNDREL OF A FRIEND BY THE NAME OF JONADAB. When Amnon became so lust sick that he didn’t know what to do, it was his friend Jonadab who DEVISED A CRUEL PLAN so that Amnon could have his way with Tamar. In the story, JONADAB TOLD AMNON TO ACT LIKE HE WAS SICK and ask to have Tamar come to take care of him. "Then," he said, "you can have your way with her."
THERE ARE PLENTY OF AMNONS AND JONADABS around even today. You know what IS OFTEN DONE AT A PARTY. Bartender, Jonadab will dutifully pour twice as much alcohol in the girl’s drink AS HE DOES IN THE BOYS, with A SLY wink and a nod. People can become so arrogant; such products of a sexist and abusive culture that friends join together to look down on women and use them as objects.”
Friends can BECOME DANGEROUS ALLIES when they TRY TO HELP
Young people, you and I know that ONE of THE GREATEST PRESSURES in your life right now comes from your so called friends. We call it “peer pressure”. Let me tell you that I HAD A LOT OF GOOD FRIENDS when I was in High School and I hope you do too. But let me help you put something into perspective. BEFORE YOU ALLOW YOURSELF TO DO WHAT EVERYBODY ELSE IS DOING, no matter what it costs you, let me tell you that there is NOT ONE SINGLE FRIEND WHO WAS IN MY LIFE in high school WHO IS REALLY IN MY LIFE TODAY. Yes, I see a couple of my old friends occassionally, but they have little to do with my life TODAY.
I’ve told you this to GIVE YOU SOME PERSPECTIVE ON THINGS that you need for making good decisions. The very friends who help shape your decisions today probably WILL NOT BE WITH YOU TOMORROW, no matter how good and close they are. That’s how life is. But let me tell you WHAT WILL BE WITH YOU: every person you’ve hurt or helped; EVERY WRONG CHOICE YOU’VE MADE will stay with you. And it is very possible, young folks, that the RESULT OF THE PEER PRESSURE you let yourself get caught up in, could stay with you for the rest of your lives. AMNON HAD A SO CALLED “FRIEND” who led him to the trough to drink of lust and sin. Ask yourself: We know where Jonadab was when he was helping to lead Ammon to fulfill his lust, BUT WHERE WAS JONADAB THE DAY AFTER? The so called “friend” was gone, but the guilt and hurt was there.
There’s a lot more in this terrible story. TAMAR CAME TO INNOCENTLY TAKE CARE OF HER SUPPOSEDLY SICK HALF-BROTHER. Amnon fantasized as he watched her make cakes for him. When the cakes were ready, he refused to eat the food. HE SENT EVERYONE OUT of his bed chamber except for Tamar. He said to her, "bring the food into the chamber, so that I may eat from your hand."(2 Sam. 13:9) You know what happened next. When Tamar came into the bed chamber, AMNON GRABBED HER AND SAID, "come lie with me, my sister." But she said, "NO!" Any sexual contact that happens after someone has said "no" is considered rape. Very clearly she said, "No, my brother, DO NOT FORCE ME; for such a thing is not done in
AMNON DID NOT LISTEN TO HER. He was stronger than she, and he raped her. But remember, TAMAR NOT ONLY REPRESENTED HIS SEXUAL LUST but also his LUST FOR POWER. To shame Tamar would also SHAME ABSALOM, her brother, his nemesis. TAMAR WAS AN INNOCENT PAWN IN THIS SIBLING RIVALRY; a victim of Amnon's injustice. LUST IS NOT ALWAYS ABOUT SEXUAL DESIRE, it is often ABOUT OTHER KINDS OF HIDDEN UNCONTROLLED DESIRES we may or may not always be fully aware of. IF WE LET OUR DESIRES GO IN OTHER PARTS OF OUR LIVES, it will START TO CONTROL ALL of us.
Now, we see ONE MORE TRAGIC THING about lustful passions. Not only do lustful passions GET MISTAKEN FOR LOVE; not only do they make us SICK IN OUR HEARTS; not only do they bring to us so called “FRIENDS” WHO ARE NOT GOOD for us; not only can they be SIGNS OF OTHER ISSUES that are set loose in our hearts; but finally we can see in this terrible anatomy of lust, that lust WILL EVENTUALLY LEAD US TO “HATE” THE ONE WE SAID WE LOVED. The Scripture says as soon as Amnon had finished with her, HE WAS "SEIZED WITH GREAT LOATHING FOR HER. Indeed his loathing was even greater than the lust he had felt for her." (
This loathing, or DISRESPECT FOR THE OTHER PERSON WAS THERE ALL ALONG, but it is especially revealed in one specific word Amnon used at the end. After he was finished with her, AMNON TOLD HER TO GET OUT. But TAMAR WAS A COURAGEOUS WOMAN who would not shed her dignity so easily. She pleaded with Amnon, "This wrong in sending me away is greater than the other that you did to me." (13:17) It was NOT THAT UNCOMMON FOR A MAN TO MARRY HIS HALF-SISTER in those days if the Father consented. BUT AMNON WOULD NOT LISTEN to her and now, pay attention to what he said next. HE SAID: "GET THIS OUT OF MY PRESENCE and bolt the door." In most translations, verse 17 is translated something like “Get this woman out of here." But in the original Hebrew, Amnon says, "Get this out of here." Tamar, the SUPPOSED OBJECT OF HIS LOVE, WAS NO LONGER EVEN VIEWED AS A PERSON in his eyes! She was JUST AN OBJECT OF LUST and now she is nothing more than AN OBJECT OF HATE. This is what lust does: It turns people into objects, things, and destroys the real human relationships we really need.
What we see in this text is the destruction of a person, who was TURNED INTO AN OBJECT AND EVENTUALLY DISCARDED as trash when all used up. This is unfortunately what happens to people, even Christians, when they use others. More sadly, this is HOW MUCH OF SOCIETY STILL TREATS WOMEN who become victims of sexual abuse. THE LAW WAS AGAINST THE WOMAN THEN, and it still is. AS A VIRGIN, TAMAR WAS ADORNED with a long-sleeved robe. After her violation, she tore the sleeves off her robe, PUT ASHES ON HER HEAD AND WENT AWAY CRYING. She had lost her dignity and her power. A WOMAN WHO HAD BEEN INVOLVED IN AN INCIDENT OF INCEST, according to
BUT THAT IS NOT WHERE THE STORY ENDS. Tamar's brother Absalom asked her what had happened, even though he already suspected that Amnon had violated her. ABSALOM HEIGHTENED HER SHAME BY SAYING, "Be quiet for now, my sister; he is your brother; do not take this to heart."(13:20) Like Job's so-called friends, like our culture's MINIMIZING OF VIOLENCE against women, ABSALOM ALL BUT SAID TO HIS VIOLATED SISTER, "Don't worry so much." "It ain't so bad." "Boys will be boys." "He is your brother after all, it's not like he was a stranger." "Too bad YOU ARE SO GOOD-LOOKING, maybe this wouldn't have happened to you if you were uglier." The WOMAN, IT SEEMS ALWAYS GETS THE WORST END of this SITUATION. Even when King David heard, and became furious, HE WOULD NOT PUNISH AMNON, his son, because, it says, he loved him.
This mention of David brings us to another tragic point in this story. If you remember, DAVID HIMSELF COULD NOT CONTROL HIS OWN LUSTFUL passion. The tragic rape of Tamar his daughter by his son Amnon is “dejavu” all over again for him. DAVID’S OWN LACK OF SELF-CONTROL IS NOW PASSED DOWN TO HIS SON and continues to hurt his family.
Most of you know and recall the story I’m referring too: the story of DAVID AND BATHSHEBA in
What I want us to see is this: LUST CAN HAPPEN TO THE BEST OF PEOPLE. It is not just about sex but it is also about power, greed and giving in to our lower nature or passions. It can happen at Church. When our DESIRES HAVE SO MUCH CONTROL OVER US that we care about nothing except WHAT WE WANT, with no thought of consequences, no thought of who gets hurt, and NO THOUGHT OF THE HIGHER SPIRITUAL PURPOSES of love and life.
The ONLY GOOD THING THAT COMES OUT ALL THIS TRAGEDY is that David ends up repenting and CONFESSING HIS SINS TO GOD, asking God to bring back the “joy of his salvation.” (See Psalm 51). God does forgive, but more than that, HE WANTS US TO HAVE SPIRITUAL POWER OVER OUR THE DESTRUCTIVE DESIRES of our flesh. God can HELP US BEFORE WE NEED TO ASK FOR FORGIVENESS. HE CAN HELP US DISTINGUISH BETWEEN LOVE AND LUST before we get hurt.
This brings us to the FINAL STORY from the Hebrew Bible and another young man, NAMED JOSEPH. WE find his story in
If you recall, JOSEPH WAS ORIGINALLY SOLD INTO SLAVERY by his brothers who were jealous of him. He ENDED UP IN
WHAT JOSEPH SAYS TO HER REVEALS THE SPIRITUAL STRENGTH HE HAD over his flesh. When the temptation was put before him, Joseph “refused and said to his master's wife, "Look, with me here, my master has no concern about anything in the house, and HE HAS PUT EVERYTHING THAT HE HAS IN MY HAND. 9 He is not greater in this house than I am, nor has he kept back anything from me except yourself, because you are his wife. HOW THEN COULD I DO THIS GREAT WICKEDNESS, and sin against God?"
JOSEPH WAS ABLE TO KEEP HIS FOCUS. How? Because he had DECIDED beforehand UPON A CLEAR SET OF VALUES IN HIS HEART. Joseph KNEW WHERE HE CAME FROM and where he WANTED TO GO; most of all he wanted to KEEP HIS PROMISE TO GOD and to others and be TO BE responsible. Because Joseph’s own personal and SPIRITUAL VALUES WERE SO STRONG, and his SENSE OF MORAL SELF was so high, even when this woman kept on approaching him, HE KEPT ON SAYING NO, NOT ONCE, BUT MANY TIMES. And even when one day, she threw herself on him and tore his clothes off him, HE LEFT EVERYTHING AND RAN. EVEN WHEN POTIPHAR’S WIFE set a trap FALSELY ACCUSING JOSEPH AND HAVING HIM THROWN INTO PRISON, Joseph REMAINED strong. He HAD NOT VIOLATED HIS OWN HIGH SENSE OF VALUES, nothing could tear him down. LONG BEFORE this moment of temptation, he HAD developed an INNER, SPIRITUAL AND MORAL STRENGTH that would help him overcome when temptation came. WHAT HE DECIDED BEFOREHAND, not in the moment, is what made the difference.
WHAT JESUS TEACHES us about lust gives us this same lesson. In his own words, JESUS BELIEVED THAT WE CAN GAIN SELF-CONTROL AND INNER STRENGTH over the powerful urges of the flesh. In his great sermon on the mount, where Jesus talks a lot about the INABILITY OF THE LAW TO CONTROL OR CHANGE OUR HEARTS, HE GIVES A REMEDY for lust THAT IS SHOCKING INDEED. Jesus doesn’t pull any punches when he says in
Some experts of the human psyche have BEEN CRITICAL OF JESUS SAYING THAT his demand for us to control our innermost thoughts CAUSES UNDO GUILT. THEY SAY he should have focused ON THE POWER TO CONTROL ONLY OUR ACTIONS.
LET IT BE KNOWN THAT I SIDE WITH JESUS against those other experts. I BELIEVE IT IS EVIDENCED IN THE disintegration of our culture that THOUGHTS ARE NOT HARMLESS. They are the SOURCE OF ALL OUR ACTIONS. Do you remember years ago, the slogan was “If it feels good, do it!” The idea BEHIND THIS SLOGAN was that most all of our negative behavior and addictions, be they addictions to sex, to lust, to alcohol or any other kind of addiction, were A PART OF A LONG CYCLE OF REPRESSION. In other words, because THESE URGES WERE PUSHED DOWN DEEP, either by PARENTS WHO WERE OVERBEARING AND TOO STRICT; or because RELIGION WAS OVERBEARING AND TOO STRICT, the URGES GOT STRONGER and WERE out of control. It was thought that the best way to RELEASE THESE NEGATIVE, repressed energies was to LET IT ALL HANG OUT. SUPPOSEDLY, once we GOT IT ALL OUT OF OUR SYSTEM, then we WERE TO return to sanity. Unfortunately, our culture HAS BEEN getting more and more dangerous by the moment. Our culture proves that THE MORE WE SEE IT, THINK ABOUT IT, TALK ABOUT IT, FANTASIZE about it, GIVE IN TO IT, the more we, as the commercial says: “just do it!”
Let me tell you this is NOT JESUS’ APPROACH TO DEALING with lust or any other addiction. Jesus has a WHOLE DIFFERENT approach. And it may SOUND A LITTLE EXTREME, if you take it literally, but if you will INSTEAD TAKE HIM SERIOUSLY, you might learn something that will help you get control of the destructive passions of your life. In Matthew 5 : 29
This sounds extreme, but Jesus speaks figuratively, not literally here. And Jesus approach is not UNLIKE THE APPROACH OF AN WELL TRAINED ATHELETE in the Olympic Games we’ve been watching in Italy
When we let ourselves go and when WE HAVE NO LIMITS and NO MORAL RESTRAINTS, life does not get better, THE PLEASURE WILL RUN OUT, and the GUILT WE ACQUIRE WILL NOT ABSOLVE itself. Jesus is giving, in this rather shocking way, two major lessons about gaining self control: He gives a Warning and a Recommendation. THE WARNING IS that PHYSICAL PAIN IS NOT AS BAD AS THE SPIRITUAL AND EMOTIONAL PAIN that comes when we give into our lower passions. Loosing an eye or an arm is tragic, but it’s STILL NOT AS TRAGIC AND PAINFUL AS LOOSING YOUR SOUL in the unending pain of hell of having no self-control. LIKE THAT YOUNG MAN WHO CUT OFF HIS OWN ARM to save his life, when he was trapped on that cliff under a boulder, you should do the same to save the rest of your body and especially, your soul.
The second lesson JESUS GIVES IS A RECOMMENDATION. For anyone to OVERCOME ANYTHING or achieve anything in life there MUST BE AN ACCEPTANCE OF PAIN. We must accept THE discipline AND LEARNING THAT COMES FROM THE HARD AND NARROW WAY. AMNON carried the PAIN OF HIS ROYAL FAMILY IN HIS HEART and he sought the pleasures of the moment. DAVID TOO HAD HIDDEN PAINS in being the SMALLEST AND THE FORGOTTEN until he was finally discovered. Remarkably, JOSEPH HAD THOSE DEEP EMOTIONAL PAINS TOO, but somehow JOSEPH DID SOMETHING WITH HIS PAIN. HE ACCEPTED IT. He GAVE IT TO GOD. Like a well-trained athlete, JOSEPH ACCEPTED AND MADE USE OF HIS PAIN AND BECAME STRONGER. He learned through the hardships of life, to discipline himself to do the right thing, even when it hurt. This gave him the POWER NOT TO GIVE INTO THE PAIN BUT TO LIVE INTO LIFE through his faith..
HERE IS THE KEY TO OVERCOMING LUST, says Jesus. If you WILL MAKE THE EFFORT NOW, to BEING THE RIGHT KIND of person, TO PUT YOURSELF IN TO THE DAILY DISCIPLINES of love and serving others. If you will DO THE HARD WORK NOW, then, when the temptations come, you will have gained an inner strength over your own flesh and YOU WILL HAVE SPIRITUAL INNER POWER TO OVERCOME both the pleasures and pains of the flesh.
This is CERTAINLY WHAT PAUL WRITES IN HIS LETTERS to the Gentiles, who knew very well the destructiveness the flesh could bring. PAUL TOLD THE EPHESIANS, to PUT OFF “YOUR FORMER WAY 4:22 ). That word “deluded” – TO PLAY -is EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE GIVE INTO LUSTS. Lust plays a trick on us. It tells us that a SIMPLE PLEASURE CAN TAKE AWAY THE OTHER PAINS of our lives.
IF WE WANT TO WIN OVER THESE INNER PAINS that cause us to seek pleasure at the expense of others, then WE MUST DEAL WITH OUR DEEPEST PAIN. Jesus knows this is NOT GOING TO BE ACCOMPLISHED by plucking out our eyes nor cutting off our arms. Jesus didn’t literally come to tell us to do that. HE CAME TO LOVE US AND TO SHARE OUR GREATEST AND DEEPEST HUMAN PAINS. Until you deal with your greatest pains; THE LONELINESS AND THE LOSTNESS OF YOUR OWN HEART, you’ll never OVERCOME YOUR NEGATIVE PASSIONS, including lust, no matter how many promises you make.
WHEN JOSEPH WAS LEFT FOR DEAD THERE ALL ALONE IN THE HOLE - HE GAVE ALL OF HIS PAIN TO GOD AND IN DOING THAT HE GAVE HIS HEART FULLY TO GOD. IN DOING THIS JOSEPH GAINED A PASSION FOR GOD, AND THAT MADE ALL THE DIFFERENCE.
Let me say, THAT WE SUPPORT YOU IN YOUR DECISION to WAIT FOR TRUE LOVE and not give into your lower passions. But let me also say, that THE PROMISE YOU MAKE IN PUBLIC means NOTHING, UNLESS YOU GO INTO YOUR OWN HEART, not just here at church, but also out there, when you are at home, at school, or in a hole somewhere. What you do in your heart when you are away from all of us, WHEN you give yourself completely to God, that is what makes the difference. And when you give everything to God, EVEN YOUR PAIN CAN BECOME A BLESSING. Pain becomes a blessing because God can use the pain in your life as discipline, as a teacher, to HELP YOU OVERCOME YOUR LOWER PASSIONS AND LUSTS. ONLY A HIGHER PASSIONS WILL ENABLE YOU TO OVERCOME THE LOWER ONES.
Amen.
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