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Sunday, October 18, 2015

“BLESSED PARENTING”



A Sermon Based Upon Genesis 22:  1-14; Ephesian 6: 1-4,  NRSV
By Rev. Dr. Charles J. Tomlin, DMin.  
Flat Rock-Zion Baptist Partnership
Pentecost +20,   October 18th, 2015

If you haven’t noticed, there are not many Scripture passages directly addressing how to be a parent.   Perhaps there is good reason for this.  I once read about someone who was going to write a book on parenting.  He was first going to titled it “How to Raise a Child”.   Then after having his first child the titled changed to “Suggestions on Raising Your Children”.   Finally after having a couple more children he decided to entitle his book: “Help, I’m a Parent!”

It is not easy to be a parent—in our age or in any age.  The Bible is full of stories about children who had good parents, but in spite of that, those children struggled (David, Esau, Samson).  There are even stories of children who had difficult parents, but turned out well (Abraham, Moses, and Hezekiah).  So, what kind of help does the Bible give us when it comes to parenting? 

If you are looking for specific instructions, the Bible does not have very much to give.  But if you see the Bible as a sacred book that gives us values and beliefs that can shape behavior and decision-making, then the Bible is rich in resources.  It is rich because good parenthood depends mostly upon good personhood.   

So, how does our Christian faith help us become good parents who raise good persons?  What kind of spiritual resources can our faith give us?   Of course becoming a Christian is important, but becoming a Christian is a process which must also mean being a Christian in ways parents will model for us?  The main question that comes to parents today is how can we pass on, not just our family values, but also our faith values when the world around us both belittles and depreciates most of what we do?   Once upon a time, we could just let our children grow up in a Christian home, or be baptized and the world around them would shape them into people character, courage and faith.  It is no longer that simple, if it ever was.  Now, the world around us has become so hostile, so oppressive and so much more complex, that parenting our children and guiding them into our faith means that we must raise them even more intentionally as ‘in the world’ (Jn. 17:11) but not ‘of the world’ (Jn. 17:9)

Is there any realistic biblical model for Christian parenting when the pressure to ‘conform’ to  the downward pull in the world is getting stronger (Rom. 12:1)?   According to the popular evangelical understanding of the threat of eternal damnation, with the world’s negative current and sway being so strong,  the logic could suggest that it would be better if our children had not been born, or worse, that they not even live to the age of becoming accountable because they are less likely to find faith.  Even Jesus saw such a negative moments coming to the world when he said “Blessed are the barren and the wombs that never bore…(Luke 23:29).  In such difficult, even apocalyptic times,  it could be argued that since children are so easily overpowered or led astray by the evil of the world, and because of the lessening chance they have of redemption or salvation, it would be better that Christians didn’t have, or even worse, that they didn’t make it to the age of personal accountability (See this argument in Rob Bell’s book, “Love Wins” as told at:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/christian-piatt/what-does-the-bible-really-say-about-parenting_b_954718.html).   

As outrageous and shocking as this all sounds, the very idea of giving our children to God, even before they have any choice in the matter, is the very kind of outrageous event we read about in in Genesis 22, where Abraham, the father of our faith (of Judaism and Islam too), hears God telling him to sacrifice his own son Isaac.  The worst part of this story is that child sacrifice was common among many religions in Abraham’s day.  The good news of this story is that the God of Abraham didn’t require such offerings and prevented Abraham from going through with it.   In this strange ‘test’ of faith,  Abraham discovers that following God as man of faith, and as a parent, is to trust that God will provide whatever is necessary to keep us trusting in him.

CHILDREN AS A GIFT TO THEIR PARENTS AND TO THE WORLD
Let’s look at this very ‘strange’ story a bite closer for a moment.   At the core of that ancient story was not merely the story of God asking Abraham to do or not to do what other religions were doing, but the core of the story was about who ‘Isaac’ was and how much Abraham needed to keep trusting God for the future.   Now that this ‘son of promise’ was finally born to Abraham and Sarah as a unique gift from God, the fulfillment of God’s promise to Abraham was just beginning to come true (See Gen. 12).    As a child born after their child-rearing years, God gave them this gift only on God’s terms, because God wants to bless the world through this child.  Perhaps the most important lesson for us today, is that the gift and blessing of children are only gifts to us when we give them back to God as a gift for the future of the world.

But how do we receive our children as a gift from God, we must also give back to God?   Could there be any better self-understanding our children to have than they are gifts to us and they are gifts for the world?    I shudder to think any child might grow up in a Christian home without such wonderful knowledge.   How sad it would be for a child to think they were born as a burden, an accident, or a liability?  Recently, in Lincoln County, my brother-in-law told me about a Puerto Rican man who had been lived a life of drugs running around with street gangs.  Do you know why he choose this?  He said that when he entered a gang, it was the first time in his life that he felt that anyone loved him for who he was.   Can there be any more important self-knowledge than a child knowing they are a gift---from God and for God?

When a seminary professor was vacationing with his wife in Gatlinburg, Tennessee, he and his wife were eating breakfast in a little restaurant, hoping to enjoy a quiet, family meal. While waiting for their food, they noticed a distinguished looking, white haired man moving from table to table, visiting with the guests. The professor leaned over and whispered to his wife, "I hope he doesn't come over here." But sure enough, the man came over to their table.

"Where are you folks from?" he asked in a friendly voice."Oklahoma," they answered. "Great to have you here in Tennessee," the stranger said. "What do you do for a living?" "I teach at a seminary," he replied. "Oh, so you teach preachers how to preach, do you? Well, I've got a really good story for you."

And with that, the gentleman pulled up a chair and sat down. The professor groaned and thought to himself, "Great. Just what I need -- another preacher story!"  The man started, "See that mountain over there?"  He pointed out the restaurant window. "Not far from the base of that mountain, there was a boy born to an unwed mother. He had a hard time growing up because every place he went, he was always asked the same question: 'Hey, boy, who's your daddy?'  Whether he was at school, in the grocery store or drug store, people would ask the same question: 'Who's your daddy?' He would hide at recess and lunch time from other students. He would avoid going into stores because that question hurt him so bad.

When the boy was about 12 years old, a new preacher came to his church. He would always go in late and slip out early to avoid hearing the question, 'Who's your daddy?' But one day, the new preacher said the benediction so fast, he got caught and had to walk out with the crowd.  Just about the time he got to the back door, the new preacher, not knowing anything about him, put his hand on his shoulder and asked him, 'Son, who's your daddy?' The whole church got deathly quiet. He could feel every eye in the church looking at him. Now everyone would finally know the answer to the question, 'Who's your daddy?'

The new preacher, though, sensed the situation around him and using discernment that only the Holy Spirit could give, said the following to the scared little boy: 'Wait a minute! I know who you are. I see the family resemblance now. You are a child of God.' With that, he patted the boy on his shoulder and said, 'Boy, you've got a great inheritance -- go and claim it.  'With that, the boy smiled for the first time in a long time and walked out the door a changed person. He was never the same again. Whenever anybody asked him, 'Who's your daddy?' he'd just tell them, 'I'm a child of God. 'The distinguished gentleman got up from the table and said, "Isn't that a great story?"  The professor responded that it really was a great story.  

As the man turned to leave, he said, "You know, if that new preacher hadn't told me that I was one of God's children, I probably would never have amounted to anything!"   And he walked away.  The seminary professor and his wife were stunned. He called the waitress over and asked, "Do you know that man who was just sitting at our table?" The waitress grinned and said, "Of course. Everybody here knows him. That's Ben Hooper. He's the former governor of Tennessee!" (http://reformedanglican.blogspot.com/2007/05/whos-your-daddy-urban-legend-or.html).
  
PARENTS AS A GIFT TO THEIR CHILDREN
As great as it is, it is still not enough for your child to be raised in the knowledge that they are gifts from God and for God.   The greatest thing a parent can ever do for a child is to give them their own ‘blessing’ by simply being their parent.   Just because you have given birth to a child, does not make you a parent, and just because you take or send your child to church, does not make you a “Christian” parent nor give them a Christian blessing.  So, how do we define it?  What does it mean to not just ‘receive’ your child as a gift from God, but what does it also mean to ‘give’ your child back as to God to be a gift, so that they are a blessing and not a burden for the world?

In Paul’s letter to the Ephesians, Paul gives household rules (German: Haustalfen, or literally ‘table rules’) to both children and parents, especially to Fathers, whom he has already referred to both culturally and spiritually, as ‘head of the wife (Eph 5:23) and is not understood to be ‘head’ in parenting (Eph 6:4).  Of course, this too runs counter to the thinking of many men, that parenting is mostly the job of the mother.  It appears that God has given mothers the most instinctive role of parenting, but in faith, God now calls upon fathers to join with their wives in fulfilling the parental responsibility.

After reminding children of their own responsibility to ‘obey’ their parents as they continue to Honor your father and mother” throughout their lives, Paul reminds the Ephesians that this ‘command’ to obey and honor parents is uniquely the ‘first commandment with a promise’ (6:2).  Here, Paul connects the promise of being obedient not only to one’s personal well-being (‘that they may live long’ Ex. 20:12a), but he also connects it to the great ‘promise’ given to Abraham and his children (Gen. 12: 1-3) who are givena land by the Lord’ (Ex. 12:12b) so they can be blessed to be a blessing.  It is out of this hope of being blessed to become a blessing that Paul reminds Fathers (and mothers too) of their own parenting role.   This is a ‘role’ that should be as much preventive, as it is proactive, so that especially these ‘heads’ of households will not ‘provoke children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord (6:4).”  This simple, compacted insight still provides one of the greatest Christian and positive psychological models for what it means to be a Christian parent.   A Christian parent is not only one who receives the blessing and gift of a child in the world, but Christian parents are also responsible to bless the child who can, in turn, pass this blessing along to the world.

We don’t have time in a single sermon, to unpack the preventive or the proactive work of being a Christian parent, but it is within these are the two polarities, of preventive concerning the negatives we might fall into and about being proactive about putting good into their lives, that we all must take serious our call to be Christian parents.  We must make sure that we work against the negatives of anger, bitterness, and harshness (Eph. 4: 22-32) that may prevent the ‘blessing’ from being communicated to our children.  We must also be proactive in positive deeds (Eph 5: 15-21; Eph 6: 11-18) which will enhance the hope and promise that the blessing will continue, not just the lives of our children, but also in their life, for the sake of the life of the world.   But what is the most specific way we can ‘prevent the negative’ and become ‘proactive’ in the positive?   Can we name it?  Shouldn’t we at least take time to name the one thing that can make the difference, not only in people in general, but also specifically in the way we become Christian parents?

PARENTING OUT OF THE GIFT OF GRACE
The one thing that should make the difference between a home that is too often filled with the negatives of anger, dysfunction and provocation,  rather than a home that is filled with the proactive work of discipline, instruction that is ‘in the Lord’  (Eph. 6:4) can be summed up in one word.   But don’t take my word for it, take Paul’s, or take this word that has been uniquely revealed to us in all that is Christian given to us through Jesus Christ.   Paul gives us this most Christian “word” that should serve as the main guide for Christian parents right at the beginning of this great letter to the Ephesians where he says: “For by GRACE you have been saved through faith, and this is not your own doing; it is the GIFT of God-- not the result of works, so that no one may boast.   For we are what he has made us, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand to be our way of life. (Eph. 2:8-10 NRS)

Can we ‘hear’ what Paul is saying in his word about ‘grace’ as it applies to parenting by ‘grace’?   This word is important because parenting can never be reduced to any of specific list of ‘dos and don’ts’ because there will never be that much difference between  being a good parent than being a good Christian.  Everything parents do to pass on the blessing of faith to their children will have as much to do with ‘who’ we are, as ‘how’ we actually choose to parent them.  The greatest gift we give to our children will always be more than the ‘things’ we give them, or even the ‘things’ we do for them, but it is must also include ‘how’ we live before them, and how we live with them, in the goodness and grace of God.

Ron Edmondson is a pastor in Kentucky who is also a parent of two sons.   On the website where he is pastor, he discusses parenting ‘by grace’.   It is most interesting that he starts by saying that grace as a parenting model was not complicated for him, but was very simple.   When he and his wife Cheryl were raising their boys, he says they did 6 things that most all good parents do, and then he speaks of what he did that made parenting most “Christian”.  Those six proactive acts were: They set clear boundaries or rules.  They recognize the individuality of each child.  They had a clear mission or goal that was constantly communicated.  They majored on the majors, not the minors.   They always considered matters of the heart and of character.  They made an effort to have fun with their children.  But most of all, in regards to grace, he says, they gave multiple chances and forgive easily.   While they held their sons to very high Christian standards, they also “extended to them lots of grace.”

Do you know why children needs ‘lots of grace’, ---grace to both work against the negatives in all our lives and to work alongside of the positive, proactive and intentional ‘good’ things we must do?   Let me answer this with a final story, that I think helps us know why the only pure Christian way of parenting is to parent by grace.  This story is about a preacher who was on a speaking engagement in Canada, before the really cold weather was supposed to begin.   But when and unexpected snow came early, his flight was canceled, and he find found himself going out to find something to eat, with only a light-windbreaker to help him fight the cold.

He had been told there was small diner close to where he was staying, where he could find some breakfast.  He stuffed his little cap with toilet paper to try to keep the wind off his balding head.   He went outside shivering and sliding on the snow, until he arrived at the little cafe near the bus station.   It appeared that every stranded traveler in Western Canada seemed to be there.  Strangers were pressing and pushing to get out of the cold in hopes to find a seat.   When this preacher finally found a place to sit, a man in a greasy apron came over and said, "Whaddle-ya-have?"
The preacher said,  "May I see the menu?"
"What do you want a menu for? We have soup."
"Well, what kind of soup do you have?"
The fellow with the greasy apron said, "Soup, do you want soup?
"The preacher answered, "That's what I was going to order. Give me some soup."

Well he brought the soup, and the preacher put the spoon into his mouth and said to himself, yuck -- it was the most awful -- kind of gray looking -- it was so bad that he couldn't eat it.  He decided to just sit there with with his hands cupped over it.  It was warm, and he sat there with his head down, his head wrapped in toilet paper – feeling unfortunate with this terrible soup.  But the soup was warm, so at least thought he could get some benefit out of the warmth that steamed from it.

Then the door opened and the whole room was filled with icy wind. "Close the door!", someone shouted.  In came this little woman clutching her little coat. She found a place not far from the preacher and sat down. The greasy apron man came. "What do you want?"
"A glass of water."
He brought a glass of water, took out his tablet, and said, "Now what do you want?"" Just the water," she responded.
"Lady, you have to order."
"Well, I just want a glass of water."
"Look Lady, I have customers that pay. What do you think this is, a church or something -- now what do you want?"
"Just a glass of water and some time to get warm."
"Look -- there are people that are paying here. Now if you are not going to order, you've got to leave."

The waiter was real loud and everybody in the cafe heard him. So the little woman got up to leave, but you'll never believe what happened.  Almost as rehearsed, everybody in that little diner stood up and started toward the door at one time. The preacher said he got up too and started to the door, thinking to himself, "Well if they’re voting, I’m voting.   I don't know exactly what it is -- but I’ll not be left out."

The man in the greasy apron said, "All right. All right. All right. All right. She can stay."
Everybody sat down and the man brought the woman a bowl of soup. Everybody was quiet -- a new spirit spread over the crowd.

Fred asked the person sitting nearby who she was. The fellow had never seen her before.  She was a just a stranger.  Maybe she was homeless.  As the place grew quiet, the preacher said, you could hear the sipping of that awful soup throughout the room.   The preacher said, "They are evening making this soup look good,  I'm going to try mine again."  So the preacher put the spoon to the soup, and this is what he said. "You know, it was not bad soup. Everybody was eating the soup. I started eating the soup. It was pretty good soup. I have no idea what kind of soup it was. I don't know what was in it. But I do recall when I was eating it, it tasted a little bit like bread and wine....just a little bit like bread and wine."   It must have been because they were all gathering around a table of grace  (As told about Fred Craddock, by Maxie Dunnam in his sermon entitled:  “Family, A Place for Persons”, 2006), 

Here is why the most important thing a parent can do is to be a parent who parents by grace.  Because grace is what everyone needs.   Grace is how God blesses the parent.  Grace is how the parent blesses the child.  Grace is how the parent and the child continue to be blessed and to be God’s blessing in the world.  Amen.

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